Unfinished short story written on 24 Oct 2023

Emma was admitted again. It’s been three years in a row that she’s had suicidal ideations, and while she didn’t know then, her roommate had pushed her to the edge with a hint of unhealed childhood trauma.

The relationship between Emma and her roommate, Joanne, was pleasant at first. They would hang out every day after work and even watched Hamilton together when it was first released on Disney+. For months, her friendship with Joanne felt like a dream that would continue until the end of time. Emma thought about moving wherever Joanne moved, dreaming of the perfect house they both could live in with their future spouses. However, some things started to bother her about Joanne’s comments and actions. She would comment about Emma’s body, saying things like “ew” or “why does ___ look like that?” Emma initially took it as a joke, but after a while, she asked Joanne, in what she believed to be an assertive tone, to refrain from those comments to no avail. Joanne would state things like “You think it’s funny too” or “I can’t tell when you’re joking” as her justification.  Along with her “humor,” Joanne had boundary issues. Anytime Emma didn’t come home directly after work, Joanne would call her multiple times to ask where she was, claiming that she “just worried about her.” It came to the point that she would start hiding at another friend’s house to prepare for the interaction with Joanne every night. There was a time when she voiced her concern, resulting in Joanne being in tears. It’s not as if she was harsh when speaking to her, but it made her feel guilty, forcing herself to apologize to Joanne at the end. The house had a constant aura of anxiety, resulting in Emma remaining in her car before heading inside her home—her supposed Safe Haven. This also was no different minutes before voluntary admission to the hospital.

Emma was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) only four months before this moment, in which one experiences heightened and intense emotions, idealizing someone one moment and despising them the next, impulsive behavior, and a fear of actual or perceived abandonment, to name a few. These negatively affect her relationships, which she tries hard to keep. While suicidal thoughts were frequent for her, this was her first time in a psych ward. There was always a sense of fear that it would appear how it would in the movies with asylums, and Emma didn’t like the idea of being drugged up or treated like a madman. However, though there wasn’t much patients could do during the hospital stay, it wasn’t what she imagined. They would receive three meals a day, group sessions 2-3 times a day with a few individual sessions sprinkled in, and after dinner, patients were allowed to call loved ones for 15 minutes each. A room at the end of the hall was where patients could play games and watch TV, a technician always nearby. Anytime someone watched TV for too long, they would suggest they do a puzzle or play a board game with them instead; writing was also encouraged. However, patients had to ask the technicians for a pencil each time for “safety reasons.”

In times of calm, Emma would start to write on the worksheets the staff would give the patients to practice techniques they’d learned during group sessions. Some sheets described thought patterns, while another one worked on positive coping strategies. Anytime Emma would work on a sheet, she’d ask a technician for help, not necessarily because she needed it but because she also loved the company. Though very structured and organized, the psych ward was, she rather enjoyed it. She hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning, but she liked being able to focus on nothing but healing and bonding with the other patients and staff.

Soon, it was Emma’s time to leave and re-enter the outside world. She’d been in the hospital for a week, and it started to feel like all she knew. The following day came, and she wasn’t sure she was ready. She hoped to continue her progress on the outside, but ultimately, she didn’t know. As she took her last shower in her bare hospital room, she thought about what would happen in her life on the outside. She thought about what she would do with Joanne; she wondered how she would keep up her coping skills when thoughts of suicide arose again—the fall time never treated her well.

Her outside clothes lay in a cubby next to the hospital robes she was told to wear during her stay. She remembered the comfort and freeness she felt while wearing them, not caring about her appearance or weight. Not that she could look in a mirror anyway due to all the mirrors in the ward being blurry slabs of metal. As she wore her regular pants, it felt like she had gained weight. From that thought, she became melancholy, relieving a sigh as she put on the remainder of her clothing.

The technicians and other staff bid Emma farewell as they opened the secured double doors to another hallway leading to the elevator. They had hoped she would be well enough not to revisit them, and she hoped for the same thing.

The voyage to her car was silent. The only thing on Emma’s mind was to smoke a cigarette—something she had longed for on the inside. As she plopped down in the driver’s seat, she immediately stared at her half-empty pack of menthols, contemplating lighting one then or waiting till she got home. She paused until she thought about seeing Joanne again and decided to pick up her pack and light a cigarette. Her first puff felt like a sweet release of all her anxiety and worries throughout the week. She took another puff, then another, and before she knew it, she lit her second cigarette, pulled out of the parking spot, and started heading home.

It was a short drive from the hospital to Emma’s house, where Joanne conveniently inhabits. Emma didn’t have much time to think but enough to give herself a pep talk and an escape plan as needed. It was nearly dark as she pulled into the driveway; the porch lights seemed dimmer than usual. Emma knew she couldn’t remain in the car forever, as she suspected Joanne would notice headlights beaming through the front window. Emma took a deep breath, releasing it quickly as she took her key out of the ignition and reached the front door. Turning the doorknob, she sucked in her breath, exhaling only when her whole body stood in the entryway. The entire house was silent and dark, a faint light coming from a crack through a door upstairs—Joanne’s door. As Emma looked around, she noticed the living room was tidy: the coffee table was empty with only a candle lit on top, the Afghan lay neatly against the back of the couch, and even the thick railing near the stairs, which was used to having numerous documents and gadgets on top, was spotless with no debris in sight. Joanne knew that Emma had anxiety about cleaning, especially a big house made for a family, so Joanne took on the responsibility. Plus, she had told Emma once that she enjoyed it.

“Wow, it looks amazing in here,” Emma stated in a crescendo, making it apparent that she had returned home and wasn’t, in fact, angry at Joanne. While it was true that she was not angry, Emma was slightly scared of her; a bit of shakiness added to her tone when she spoke. Joanne could be unpredictably temperamental at times. It didn’t take long for her to come waltzing out of her room, and just as Emma thought Joanne would greet her, she walked past, heading to the kitchen. Emma was surprised but thought Joanne probably didn’t hear her. “You cleaned,” Emma repeated, focusing on her tone to avoid being too harsh or timid. Joanne paused.

“I thought I could help relieve your anxiety since you don’t like cleaning,” Joanne replied, looking away from Emma. Sometimes, Joanne could be considerate, though Emma remained confused about her delivery. She sensed Joanne wanted to say something else to her since she continued to stand between the living room and the kitchen. Emma felt a shiver down her spine.

“Thank you. I really do appreciate you cleaning,” Emma told her, thinking that that would end their conversation so they could return to normal. Maybe they wouldn’t have to talk about their dynamic and Joanne’s sleeping arrangements that way. However, as Emma started moving towards her bedroom, Joanne stepped in the way.

“Did you get admitted because of me?” Joanne asked, looking directly into her eyes with worry. Emma didn’t know what to say. She knew the answer but couldn’t dare tell the truth. It would crush Joanne, but she had to.

“A little,” She let out with hesitation. Joanne’s demeanor changed from confrontational to pleading.

“I’m sorry! I can change!” Joanne begged, moving closer to Emma as if waiting for forgiveness and a hug. Emma wanted to ask her to move out. She knew she needed to, but it was hard, “Let me try! I won’t ask you to clean anymore; I won’t call you nonstop—Just let me change.” As Joanne continued to bargain with her, Emma started to feel guilty. She began to question why she was admitted to the hospital in the first place. She thought it had to be for something else entirely, not because of Joanne. And as she shifted her mindset, Emma embraced Joanne with a hug of forgiveness.

A few days passed, and Joanne stayed by her word. She stopped making comments and even kept her distance. Though, Emma didn’t feel right about it. It was true that Joanne had changed, but she was still anxious. It was as if Joanne wasn’t herself anymore, and she didn’t like that. Emma felt extreme guilt, not only for Joanne’s shift in personality but also for knowing that the landlord would get involved if she didn’t tell Joanne to move out herself, especially since Joanne wasn’t on the lease and the pet fees weren’t paid. Vigorously shaking her leg while biting her nails, she stared at the texts from her demanding landlord, questioning her next move. She decided to message their pastor and requested a meeting with her and Joanne for that day.

Emma started driving to church, surprised Joanne hadn’t tried to contact her by then, her message containing a ‘read’ underneath with no reply. Pulling up to the church, she noticed Joanne’s car across the parking lot. As she made her way through the bellowing hallways and the entrance of the pastor’s office, Emma was delighted to see Joanne across his desk. With a head nod from the pastor, Emma began to express the concerns she had harbored for so long, even voicing her guilt and irrational fear that prevented her from ever approaching Joanne. Emma was proud of herself for finally expressing her concerns in what she thought was effective, at least briefly. Still, anxiety and regret towered over this accomplishment. Joanne remained silent through the whole exchange, or lack thereof, even when the pastor would ask for her thoughts. Her expression was blank, her arms crossed the entire time. The one-sided discussion ended with Joanne agreeing to move out and immediately leaving.

Silence stewed within the room. Emma sighed, “I’m not surprised she just left.” She knew Joanne would be angry. Emma suspected the pastor being there had something to do with it. She had hoped to remain friends with Joanne after all of this, but she ruined any possibility of that happening. She knew she had hurt Joanne, but she knew a conversation with her about it wouldn’t be smart so soon after the meeting. Emma thanked the pastor for participating in the discussion before leaving. Returning home, Emma dwelled on the fact that she had hurt a dear friend, and they may never be the same again.

Joanne left a few days later, with very little interaction between the two. She owned a roomful of furniture and clothing, which were removed from the premises within a couple of hours. This was all found out after Emma came home and found Joanne’s room empty, except for a desk that sat there prior to Joanne’s arrival. The house felt thinner than before. The negative aura vanished after a while, and breathing was more manageable. Emma soon could walk around freely in her home without worry, and she stopped having to decompress in her car after work, too. However, the feeling didn’t stay for long since, even without an external stressor, she could create her own regardless. She thought about losing another close friend, obsessed over her perceived weight gain, and spiraled into negative thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness. These thoughts could turn into suffocation in minutes, the night ending in Emma cradling her legs in the newly empty room, staring at the hole she had made in the door months prior in a fit of anger. The fall season ended, turning from chilly to freezing.

---

Holiday leave was nearing, and though Christmas time was Emma’s least favorite holiday, she wanted to get everyone in her office a little present to show her appreciation. She didn’t necessarily hate the holiday, but the “seasonal cheer” months before Christmas wouldn’t exist if it were up to her. Regardless of her disgust, she still loved to give to others, even if Christmas wasn’t for another three weeks. So straight after work, Emma made her way to Dollar Tree for toys and cards, accompanied by the guy she’d been talking to, Ethan.

The two had met in college in a core class they were forced to take. They talked every day in class, but after the end of the semester, they never spoke again. Years after graduation, Emma had left the state she resided in for so long and ended up in the exact location and company as Ethan. They soon grew their bond, and it became evident that Ethan developed feelings for Emma shortly after reuniting. Emma tried to naturally progress the friendship into something more, going on dates with him and hanging out after work, but still, she felt no spark. She thought maybe she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship yet and needed to try harder to connect, so she did just that. Still, Emma felt weird around him. If anyone asked her what exactly it was, she couldn’t tell them. One thing she knew, though, was that she couldn’t touch him.

At Dollar Tree, where there were always two or three aisles of seasonal decorations and party favors, Emma and Ethan searched around the toy section, strategically picking toys that fit each person’s character, not to mention gag gifts to make them laugh. Then, after picking out Christmas bags and gift wraps, they made their way to the card aisle, choosing beautiful but subtle blank holiday cards to add messages designed specifically for each person.

Emma considered the trip successful as they left the store, smiling ear-to-ear while carrying “her little treasures.” Taking advantage of the opportunity, Ethan leaned over and grabbed a bag from Emma’s hand, substituting it for his hand. This made Emma nervous, and she quickly found an excuse to set her hand free.

“Hold on, I need to get my keys!” Emma exclaimed, wriggling her fingers loose, diving her hand in her purse to retrieve her keys, and conveniently forgetting to return her hand.

As they made it back to Emma’s home, she was excited to get started on her project. They quickly unpacked the bags and flopped on the ground in the candle-lit living room, discussing which toy went to which person. There were fake teeth, a pack of army men, a flying chicken, and an off-brand Barbie doll, laying aside an action figure for Ethan. While Ethan put the gifts in their bags, Emma started on the cards, the first being Ethan’s. Emma had a template for what to write on his—something relationship-esque, like: ‘I’m glad I met you” and “We always have so much fun.” However, Emma had some difficulty, staring poker-faced at the blank card that she tried to cover with her knees so that Ethan wouldn’t notice. He seemed to be preoccupied with gift packing anyway. With her mind made up, she wrote a short but sweet sentiment:

“I know I can be a handful, but thanks for sticking with me. I’m trying.”

Emma placed the card in a decorated bag with a lone action figure covered with red and green tissue paper, a small card attached to the handle reading ‘Ethan.’ Ethan jokingly inched his hand toward the bag as if he would sneak a peek at the card. Emma immediately noticed, shouting a noise you would usually make to cats when they do something terrible.

“Ey! Not until I give everyone else theirs,” She snapped, smacking his hand with a blank card with ‘Jacob’ written on it. Ethan paused, glancing at the card, then Emma.

“What are you gonna say on his?” He curiously asked. Emma sensed a bit of jealousy from him, but it made sense when she looked at the name on the card.

Jacob was the only other person besides Ethan around her age, which excited her. He joined the team around Halloween, and in a way, Emma experienced something she calls “intrigued at first sight.” Their eyes met when he first entered the office, the room pausing momentarily. Emma didn’t understand what had happened, but he’d randomly pop into her thoughts since then. She wanted to talk to and learn more about him, even take him up on his offer to go out for drinks. But she felt as if she couldn’t. She didn’t want to seem like she was betraying Ethan, as he didn’t quite know how she felt. Or she thought he didn’t anyway.

Emma thought for a moment before answering, “Something simple. I don’t even know the guy.” This wasn’t necessarily a lie. She didn’t know him and acted like she didn’t want to toward everyone in the office, including Jacob. The entire office, even their boss, knew Emma and Ethan were seeing each other. People would make jokes, and their boss even saw them leaving stores together, confirming everyone’s bias. These comments gave Ethan more confidence as he would constantly make more advances with Emma, which she didn’t like. Since arriving at the company, she would describe his approaches as creepy, but they only worsened after the comments.

As Emma studied Jacob’s blank card, she squinted and rested her chin on her knee, the conflict between the curiosity in Jacob and loyalty to Ethan stewing in her mind. She thought about adding a hidden message about spending time together but feared Ethan would secretly read it when she didn’t notice. Not that he was the confrontational type. As if a light bulb had gone off in her head, she grabbed a pen and wrote:

“You seem pretty chill. You work hard, and I admire that.”

Emma placed a Christmas tree sticker on the opposite side of the card and tucked it in the bag. She grew excited to give everyone their gifts, staying up later than usual after Ethan went home.

The next day, Emma carried five gifts into the office, placing each on different desks. As she turned around and put the last bag on its desk, she announced, “I really do appreciate what you all have done for me since I got here. So, I got you guys a little something,” Everyone laughed as the boss threw his gift wrap on the ground to reveal fake teeth, “Nothing too expensive, of course,” She continued, fighting back laughter, “I thought we all could use a laugh and some fun during this stressful holiday.”

As she continued to laugh and explain the absurdity of the gifts, she noticed a smile as Jacob read his card. This made her giddy for the remainder of the day. Ethan saw this and asked her to hang out after work, to which she replied with a cheerful, “Sure!”

After work, Emma drove straight home and hopped in the shower. She looked back at the gift-giving and chuckled, then an image of Jacob smiling popped into her head. Her heart started to beat a mile a minute, her face heating up, which was hard to place whether the shower or emotions caused it. This moment felt different from all the times she had thought of Jacob. Usually, the thought would leave as quickly as it appeared, but she couldn’t get it to go this time. As she leaned her head down and placed her hand over her heart for support, every moment spent with him flashed like a movie through her mind, playing the moment when their eyes met like a love scene. She started to shake with anxiety, even feeling tears exit her eyes, turning quickly into weeping, “What is happening to me?” She wondered, thinking she should be delighted instead, while slightly thinking she was having a heart attack. She had an idea of this emotion, having felt it to this extreme before in high school, and finally, she muttered the strength to admit, “I think I like him.”

As quickly as she felt the line of emotions, she dove out of the shower and grabbed her phone to text Jacob to hang out that night, immediately remembering she and Ethan were to do the same. So—as rational as she was—Emma texted them both to meet her for bowling, not giving either one the faintest idea of either man’s appearance.

Emma arrived at the bowling alley five minutes before the guys in her most flattering jeans and fitting top. She paid and grabbed an empty booth while waiting. Ethan showed up first, greeting her as his eyes trailed down her body. “You look nice,” He commented, making an obvious glance at her rear, gently embracing her waist. Emma tried to wriggle out of his arms, hiding her disgust with a polite chuckle when Jacob walked through the front doors. Confusion set in as the men stared at each other, neither commenting on Emma’s decision.

The night remained as awkward as the beginning, with Ethan trying to get handsy with Emma and her trying to save any moment she could with Jacob by showing him pictures on her phone. As the last frame concluded, the three wanted to end the night till Emma suggested rollerblading. The guys agreed, and off they went.

The night’s ambiance seemed to have shifted immediately. Things were no longer awkward or weird, at least not with Emma and Jacob. They seemed to glide through any conversation, Ethan soon getting washed away in the crowd, unable to keep up with them due to his difficulty skating. Due to Emma feeling bad, she decided they would hold hands to keep everyone together, but as Ethan let go of Emma after suggesting they take a break, Emma found her hand still in Jacob’s. She looked at his hand before stepping on the carpet, not wanting to interrupt his story. “Do you want me to let go?” he asked, noticing Emma staring as if her eyes were daggers. Her face became flushed, and she felt her palms getting sweaty. Looking at him, she shook her head, holding his hand tighter. “Me either,” he uttered.

The night ended as the bowling alley closed. The guys walked Emma to her car as she expressed her interest in a Zoo Lights poster outside, “We should go!” She exclaimed, showing them the prices and dates of the event.

“I’m down for that,” said Jacob. However, Ethan took a while to reply. There was silence for a moment. It was as if Emma was being punished with the silent treatment, but she was not to be made a fool of.

“It can be a group event. We can ask everyone in the office,” She tried to plead one last time. Still, he remained stoic.

“It sounds stupid,” Ethan stated with a slight smile, his hands hoisted in his jacket pockets. This was the last straw for Emma. She couldn’t stand this side of him. It was as if she was a child who needed permission from her father to hang out with her friends.

“Oh, so what I like is stupid now?” Emma barked back, unable to hold in her anger. She and Ethan fought for 30 minutes as Jacob stood in the shadows, strangers passing by with curious but cautious expressions as they quickly ran to their cars so as not to be at the end of the screaming. Emma left in a huff, angry that Jacob had to see her that way. How could I not be angry, though? She tried to justify it in her head. As the arguing subsided, the three stayed in silence for a moment.

“Guess I won’t be getting a hug then,” Ethan said, smirking as if the whole situation was a joke to him. Emma didn’t have much energy left, giving him a look like she was saying, ‘After all that?’ She turned around, opened her car door, and entered before slamming it behind her, signaling to Ethan that she didn’t want to speak to him anymore. However, Jacob received the same message. He backed up and started heading to his car without a word from Emma. Ethan took this time to “talk” to him. He leaned over to Jacob and uttered, “We’re always like this,” Jacob just nodded. “We fight, stop talking for a couple of days, then we’re back to normal,” Ethan continued, but Jacob had stopped listening, hearing a notification from his phone. As Ethan explained their dynamic, Jacob took his phone out of his pocket to read his text—from Emma. Jacob tilted his phone so Ethan couldn’t see the text. It read:

“Do you want to see the Zoo Lights with me?”

Emma waited in anticipation for his reply. Negative thoughts swarmed her psyche, fearing she had ruined any chance of being with him after what he had seen that night. As Blinding Lights played on the radio, her head rested on the steering wheel, desperately holding herself together. Then she heard a ding. It was a text from Jacob, saying, “I would love to.”

Emma kept her word, refusing to talk to Ethan. Every time he’d walk into a room, she would find something else to do to avoid being in his presence. Since bowling, she and Jacob talked more at work, though she was cautious not to make it evident for fear of someone finding out, especially Ethan.

A week later, the Zoo Lights approached. Emma was excited yet nervous about being alone with him. The Zoo Lights were an hour away, so Emma took a girlfriend with them to play it safe, picking her up first. Jacob soon noticed they weren’t alone as she parked in front of his apartment complex. Though, he didn’t say anything on the matter, just smiled. Even with her friend in the car, Emma was nervous. “Don’t mind me, I’m just the awkward third wheel,” the friend clarified. Emma apologized for not letting him know beforehand, and they were off to the zoo.

The car ride was a bit tense. Emma would try here and there to make a joke, Jacob would laugh, and then they would go back to listening to the radio. This didn’t seem to change when they arrived at the zoo. They headed inside as the doors opened. In contrast to the night sky, the lights of animals hung off light posts and trees in various colors.  At the end of the main path, Santa sat in a decorated cavern, waiting for someone to take a picture with him. While walking next to each other, they didn’t say much. A couple of questions were thrown in; they even took pictures together but seemed distant. Emma started to lose hope as they neared the night till she felt a hand grazing hers. It was Jacob’s. She didn’t know if this was an attempt or an accident, but she took a chance and held his hand. As he noticed, they smiled at each other and continued walking down the path with Emma’s friend leading the way.

The two had opened up during the travel back compared to the ride there. They joked and shared stories as her friend stared out the window in the backseat. Things were going as Emma wanted them to, and she didn’t want it to end.

Emma’s friend was dropped off first. Emma backed out of the driveway and asked Jacob if he wanted to return to her place instead of being dropped off, which he agreed to. Arriving at her house, nervous, Emma held some beers she had grabbed from her kitchen and offered him one. She put on a movie but was too anxious even to watch it. She then got up and rummaged through the coat closet, grabbing Guess Who? And asked him if he wanted to play.

They both got hungry through the six-pack of beer and Jacob’s constant but unknowing cheating. Emma looked at her phone, noticing it was almost 5 AM. She was surprised it was that late, expressing this thought out loud. They stared at the game till Jacob mentioned that he was hungry. She searched for places to eat in town until she came across McDonald’s.

“It says they open in 30 minutes; wanna go?” Emma suggested, Jacob nodding excitedly. As they drove into town, they started laughing at everything: things on the road, in the car, etc. The booze has gotten to them, Emma feeling like her most authentic self.

Finding out McDonald’s wasn’t open yet, they drove to another one 30 minutes away rather than waiting, and as they pulled into the drive-thru, a song called When I’m With You played on her phone. They remained silent as it echoed through the car, Emma encompassing each lyric as hers. After the song ended, Jacob asked, “Can you play it again?” Replaying the song, she realized she had found her perfect match.

Before Jacob went home, he asked Emma out on a date for the following day, her answer being obvious. The next night, he asked her to be his girlfriend. It was nothing extravagant, but she liked that he asked instead of assuming since they had hung out a couple of times.

Emma looked at her future with hope for the first time in her life. She could see herself marrying Jacob, having already said the ‘L’ word two months in. Her mood was at a constant high, all her worries seeming to melt away altogether. Jacob started staying at Emma’s more than his own, traveling to work together daily. All seemed well till her relationship slumped along with her mood. Emma had problems with depressive episodes, a phrase she had discovered when she was misdiagnosed with bipolar before learning about her BPD. She battled with this shift around the winter season, and it came to the point where she could feel it as well. Her rose-colored glasses were falling off, and she wasn’t prepared for what she would discover.

It wasn’t long till Ethan discovered their relationship, realizing he and Emma wouldn’t return to normal this time. Rumors about Emma’s fictional sleeping habits floated around the office after that, the most ridiculous being “Emma’s affair with their boss.” While most people in the office shrugged the stories off, Jacob wasn’t as fortunate. He would question Emma about the rumors, especially after she’s seen talking with men.

One instance in particular, Emma’s eyes were opened to her flirtatious actions after Jacob found her placing pens in a coworker’s hair. He warned her by grabbing the pencil out of her hand and telling her to stop. However, this didn’t get across to her, as she continued to place objects in the guy’s hair, a little confused about the short interaction. For the rest of the day, the aura was tense between them, and it only deeper ensued when they entered the car after work.

“What are you doing!” Jacob shouted at Emma. This wasn’t the first time he was like this. Emma remembered the time she drove to his apartment so they could fight about the assumed male friend she was visiting in the hospital. This fight seemed promising to Emma. Jacob wasn’t a passive boyfriend who bottled his concerns like those she’d dated. She saw this as a good sign. They were both screaming then, though this time was different. She remained silent, the only thing coming out being babbling till he would interpret with more rage. “Well?”

“I’m not doing anything,” she squeamishly replied as if she was being scolded like a little kid after doing something they were told multiple times not to do.

“Bullsh*t!” He barked back, rolling his head back in disbelief, “I told you to stop!”

“I thought you meant because he didn’t like it,” she quickly answered, “But he didn’t mind.” Jacob was visibly annoyed by this response, making this known by the constant beating on his steering wheel and heavy breathing as he pursed his lips.

“You KNOW what I meant,” He stated, in a calmer tone than before, agitation remaining in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” she let out, her head down as her eyes fixated on her shoes. Guilt, followed by doom, washed over her as she tried not to cry. The car ride ended in silence, Emma desperately trying to figure out how everything would return to normal.

As months went by, their normalcy fluctuated. Emma would describe it to her pastor: “When things were good, I thought about wedding bells; when they were bad, I looked for an exit.” This thought never had an in-between as it wasn’t something she was capable of. These screaming-filled nights became a regular occurrence to them, ending in Emma being unable to move like a deer in headlights and Jacob slamming the door as he’d leave. The highs remained the focal reason she stayed with Jacob, fueled by attempts for change and the inability to change her heart’s desire.

Different opinions of others about her relationship twirled around as she contemplated ending it.

To be continued…