How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

We think we know everything when we’re younger, but we don’t.

I don’t even know everything now, and I turn 29 this month. I’ve thought that “once I turn 30, I’ll be wise and mature and know everything.” We all think that when we’re kids, but it’s just not true. As a kid, my emotions were elevated to the max. I was obsessed with this one boy in high school; took me a couple of years to get over him. After my emotions completely shut down, they were still heightened, just in a different way. I was no longer the jealous type (I never suspected cheating, even when they were cheating), I left before they left me, I had pushed down my feelings so much, that I didn’t want to evaluate them, especially when I desperately needed to. I villainized my emotions, told myself everything I felt was wrong. I found out when my son was 6 months old that people thought I was crazy in high school. And the thing is, I don’t blame them. I was.

For a brief moment before and after I joined the army, I was ecstatic. I had changed to a completely different person, my friends would say. They talked to me more; they enjoyed my company more. However, this didn’t last long. I attempted again a year into my first duty station. Bliss isn’t always permanent. This would occur 4 more years, till I’ve had enough of it.

Within those 4 years, I had changed duty stations, been violated, and gotten a new boyfriend. This is when my emotions reopened. I had thought that I was better, that I had healed from my past. I haven’t felt those emotions since high school, so surely, they were done. But no, I would cry for no reason, I was angry for no reason, I hated myself for no reason–all more than usual too. I’ve never met anyone like him before, and he’s never met someone like me before. He didn’t understand my depressive episodes; I didn’t understand his lack of understanding. It was new, and it was terrifying.

After some time at my new unit, I realized how broken I was and desperately wanted to get out. I had a plan on the outside to go to school to help those like me. But that year, with my boyfriend deployed and son in a different state, it was hard to cope. I had abandonment issues, and I was left alone to my own mind playing tricks on me. The first semester was extremely difficult, adding to an intense break up. I was admitted again and swore to myself it wouldn’t happened again–that feeling.

The next year was better, my boyfriend and I got back together, and my son was back with me. Things were looking up. That year, there were no more attempts, no more thoughts, no more depression. I was surprised, confused, delighted. I felt as if it was only temporary, but what time has taught me is to not wait for the good feelings to end. Enjoy them.

This wasn’t temporary, though. The next year was the same way. But remember when I said the good feelings were only temporary? This came full circle when I felt a bit depressed at the start of the school semester. This was new to me. This would only happen at the END of the year, not the beginning. I contemplated quitting college. It was getting hard and giving me a lot of stress. I’m glad I didn’t go through with it though. After I got back in the groove of things again, I was no longer blue. That’s when I decided to make this blog. This whole ordeal could’ve turned into something worse. You may have thought “feeling a little blue” could’ve easily been alleviated. But in my brain, “feeling a little blue” could mean destruction and turmoil additional to my already stressed-out self. But it didn’t. I let the emotion pass, and it went away. Was it that easy all along? Probably not, because I didn’t have the skill or mindset at the time to execute it. But I do now.

All this to say, I used to live on ‘survival mode,’ fighting one day at a time, and in a way, I still am. When stress arises, I tell myself, “Tomorrow will be better,” and while it isn’t always, I repeat the same thing until it is. It’s finally sunny today after all the gloomy and damp days we’ve been having. It makes me appreciate it more. I’m no longer on ‘survival mode.’ I’m on ‘living mode.’

TL;DR

You don’t know everything when you’re young. Things feel more serious and intense for now, but you’re still developing. You won’t “have everything figured out” by your 30s. Everyone is still growing and learning. You’re never too old to learn more things about yourself. When life seems good, don’t count down the days till it’s bad; enjoy it. When life seems sucky, know yourself and evaluate the feelings. If it’s something deeper, investigate; if it’s something fleeting, let it pass. You don’t have to remain on ‘survival mode.’ With proper help and guidance, you too can make it to ‘living mode.’

**Disclaimer: I’m not saying doing all of these things will fix your life and you won’t have any more problems, but it’ll certainly make things easier to manage. **

When times get hard, I always listen to this song and remember there’s always tomorrow.