When I was around 18 or 19, I started going to therapy. For being my first therapist, she wasn’t too bad. However, at the time, I hated her — because of this:

Me: “I get anxious every time I enter high school.”

Her: “Just don’t go in one.”

I thought she was so dumb and insensitive because of this. I had already graduated high school at this point, and in my catastrophizing brain, I was visualizing life with my future child — a child I wouldn’t have conceived until later in the year or so. I didn’t even need to step into another high school for decades, so the fear, while valid, was a bit silly. Though, I still think she missed an opportunity to discuss my deeper issues. She just wasn’t a good fit, and that’s okay.

This therapist had this plaque, similar to a nameplate, that said, “It is what it is,” and since I didn’t like her, I didn’t like the phrase. I felt at the time that it didn’t allow people to look into themselves and just write everything off as, “Oh well. It is what it is.” It was like when people would say, “God will take care of it,” when they just didn’t want to work it out themselves. This is what I thought, anyway.

However, at the time, I didn’t quite know what the phrase meant — another missed opportunity from that therapist.

It is what it is

a phrase used to say that a situation cannot be changed and must be accepted.

I would roll my eyes every time I saw this phrase. It really was because it reminded me of that therapist, and I felt that people just gave up at any inconvenience (I had a massive vendetta against people who complained about their lives, so it was just another way to complain, in my eyes). But after years of therapists and other mental health specialists pointing out a certain DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skill, I finally understood.

This concept is radical acceptance, a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering (hopeway.org). However, I also understand that “it is what it is” isn’t always used as a coping mechanism, but for argument’s sake, it will be used as one.

It’s unclear when I decided to welcome the concept of radical acceptance, but I suspect anime had something to do with that with the phrase: しょうがない。

仕方ない (shikatanai)/しょうがない (shouganai) is a Japanese phrase that directly translates to “it can’t be helped.” I actually have しょうがない poorly tattooed on my arm. Anime definitely has a way of sneaking into our minds and making a difference in our lives in the most subtle ways. And while it wasn’t when I wanted to learn radical acceptance, it welcomed me to the idea (I hope it does the same to you).

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Steps to Radical Acceptance (according to DBT’s founder Marsha Linehan):

(For anyone interested)

1. Observe
   • Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (“it shouldn’t be this way”)
2. The Reality
   • Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed (“this is what happened”)
3. The Reason
   • Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality (“this is how things happened”)
4. Practice
   • Practice accepting with your whole self (mind, body, spirit) – Use accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness and/or imagery
5. List
   • List all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts
6. Imagine
   • Imagine, in your mind’s eye, believing what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable
7. Attend
   • Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept
8. Allow
   • Allow disappointment, sadness or grief to arise within you
9. Acknowledge
   • Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain
10. Pros & Cons
    • Do pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance

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Regardless of age, radical acceptance is a coping strategy everyone could easily learn. It does take some practice, as our brains naturally go into “fix-it” mode after a problem occurs. While it’s not good to fault everything as uncontrollable (such as those who blame the world for their problems), it’s not always anyone’s fault. You can’t change the weather, for instance. You can’t even change someone else’s behavior but your own (even when you think you can, you shouldn’t). “It is what it is” is now my go-to quote. It reminds me that I can’t always change the circumstances I’m in:

You were late to work even though you left early but got stopped at the train tracks? 仕方ない。

You are a short king who got rejected by a girl who prefers tall men? しょうがない。

Do you have to pay rent and monthly bills? It is what it is.

You have to drink water and eat to survive? It can’t be helped. (My husband thought of the last two.)

Just remember, in extreme cases, even if you think you can control a situation (but shouldn’t), it’s sometimes good to just step back and say, “It really can’t be helped.”

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On another note:

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